I couldn't help but wonder...am I the problem?

In defence of Carrie Bradshaw

“What Sex and the City character are you?”

“Probably Carrie” said no one ever.

Everyone hates Carrie Bradshaw and it’s no wonder why. She’s unreliable, she’s clingy, she’s embarrassing, self-destructive. I judged her too – until I realised that the parts I hated most were the ones that reminded me of myself. I fear, as my frontal lobe develops, that I must admit...I’m most like Carrie Bradshaw. So, does that make me problematic? I’d argue no; it makes me honest.

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The infamous Mr Big provides the biggest double standard I’ve seen in television. Yeah, everyone agrees he’s toxic and emotionally unavailable, he’s pretty hated (and rightly so) yet we never seem to blame him for going back for Carrie – we always blame her, the girl who gets manipulated by him. We say she has no self-worth, but it’s not like she doesn’t try to rid him of her life. At the end of Season One when she first attempts to break up with him, he then comes up to her later when she’s on a date and tries to tell her how good she looks and calls her ‘baby’. Yet Carrie is the crazy, obsessive one. All of Carrie’s main issues with how she treats people stem from Big’s emotional unavailability which fuels her spirals. This isn’t an excuse for her actions, but it’s context – a context that deserves a bit of forgiveness.

Women are constantly overanalysed, by men and other women, we can’t help ourselves – we love to blame a woman. Whereas men remain romanticised, even when they’re the problem. This is one of the things I think is especially present in the show, whenever Big shows up when him and Carrie aren’t together, it’s always in ways that make you think ‘is he really that bad? I kinda like him now’ which mirrors how easy it is for Carrie to go back to him. He flew from London just to be there and give her balloons on her birthday. That may be the bare minimum for any man – but for Big? That’s like him signing a world peace treaty in Carrie’s eyes (and unfortunately mine too).

If I had a man who sent me into emotional spirals spending my birthdays with me when he doesn’t have to and calling me baby, hell I’d be running back too. So, am I the problem for seeing myself in her? Or is he the problem for never being blamed?

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While Carrie does get manipulated a lot by Big, she is insanely cringe and no amount of manipulation can excuse that. I mean I know I’m defending her currently, but I still don’t know how she showed up at his door in top hats and whips, berets and McDonalds bag’s bringing him ‘le French fry’ and felt no embarrassment whatsoever.

There is a soft beauty in these moments though, I think it shows how unabashedly herself she is, she knows who she is, and she isn’t embarrassed by it, even though she’s with one of the most judgmental men ever. It also shows how much she did feel for him that she was completely herself with him – showing every part of her even the most moral-destroying cringe parts – because she felt accepted by him. Yet this vulnerability and emotional impulsivity is mocked by the internet’s growing appetite for cool, curated women. She feels everything in real-time, no matter how embarrassing. We hate her for that but maybe we hate her because we wish we had the courage to do the same. We punish her for being ‘too much’ while we’re obsessed with showing so little that we have no identity anymore.

This part of Carrie does really resonate with me, there’s been so many times, especially in my early teens when I acted horrifically to get a man’s attention and it still haunts me to this day. I unapologetically went out and spent my hard-earned money on thigh high socks to impress a man with a foot fetish... (yeah, I know) I still write about my infamous catastrophic situationship of 2023 with zero shame because if I had to go through that you bet I’m going to be using that as writing inspiration for eternity, otherwise what was the point.

I think it’s refreshing to have a character who lives and humiliates themselves and isn’t just a fictional perfect woman. So, in true Carrie form, I couldn’t help but wonder, am I the problem? Or do we just hate women who refuse to hide their heartbreak?

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I find it hard when there are so many male characters in shows that are flawed and deeply problematic, yet they’re adored like Tony Soprano, Don Draper etc – yet women like Carrie are just written off as annoying. Yes, she’s messy, and she can be selfish but she’s also radically honest; this makes her rare, not disposable. She doesn’t hide her shame, she monologues it. And honestly? That’s brave.

I think we need more honest characters on TV. We need to see flawed characters again, who you hate in the moment but will always love in the long term. If we can do this for the other characters, why not Carrie? Why did we all move on from Charlotte making out with her in-law’s gardener because she was horny, but we can’t even think of any reason why Carrie would have an affair. I’m not saying what Carrie did was right – but I understand why she did it. The man she had been begging to love her finally gave her a crumb of affection – she finally got what she wanted from him, even if they went around it the wrong way.

‘party 4 u’ by charli xcx starts playing

I believe that, however, is a perfect example of when you can hate in the moment but love in the long-term. If we can forgive Charlotte for being horny, or Samantha breaking up marriages, then why can’t we forgive Carrie for being manipulated?

Because we’re conditioned to hate her.

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I think we should reclaim what it means to be like Carrie Bradshaw. I’m like her, and maybe if you’re reading this you are too, because I think it’s so special and such a gift to be able to document my love life, my breakdowns, endless cycles of falling in and getting over loves.

Maybe Carrie is the problem. Maybe I’m the problem for liking her and relating to her. But so what? Why are women expected to be perfect when men are allowed to be complicated. Carrie’s power is being unapologetically herself, and that’s something to appreciate and respect.

So, if I ever show up at a man’s doorstep in a top hat and whip, at least I meant it. At least it’s honest.

Maybe I am the problem. Or maybe we just hate women who want too much, feel too loudly and write about it anyway no matter how they look.

Carrie was never the role model. She was the mirror. And that’s what made her unforgettable.

Let me ask you then, am I the problem? Or is the problem you for judging?